


rinse, repeat, and begin again

by Anonymous



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Bucky Barnes's Metal Arm, Bucky Barnes-centric, Catharsis, Crying, Crying Bucky Barnes, Gen, Healing, Jewish Bucky Barnes, Jewish Identity, Men Crying, No Romance, Not Beta Read, One Shot, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Pre-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Recovery, Religion, Short, Short One Shot, i'm still in the process of converting so pls correct me if i got stuff wrong! ily, you can pry jewish bucky from my cold dead hands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-29 18:49:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20440799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: He spent a lot of time at libraries. Maybe too much, for someone in hiding. But he had to know. It made his heart pound in his chest.





	rinse, repeat, and begin again

**Author's Note:**

> the hc of jewish!bucky is very dear to my heart. it's what inspired me to question my own faith after rejecting organized religion as a whole for years, and set me on my own path to judaism. the idea came to me during my research as i learned about the mikvah and i felt compelled to write something, so i hope you enjoy! ^^;  
this is dedicated in part to my best friend, who continually puts up with my bullshit and encouraged me to write and post this. not naming names, but they know who they are. i love you loads, dude.

There was a nagging in the back of his skull. Half-remembered melodies and words he knew, but didn't know why. _Eloheinu, sh'ma, kavod._

There was a curious fact about the replica of his dog tags at the museum. A single "H" in the lower right corner. A girl's voice seemed to whisper in his ear. _Chai, yesha, yachmay._

He spent a lot of time at libraries. Maybe too much, for someone in hiding. But he had to know. The symbols came easily, as though inscribed on his very heart, and the words spilled from his tongue before he registered what they said. It made his heart pound in his chest. Fear. Uncertainty. Revelation. _Ematz._

Mikvah. He remembers the word. His mother had gone there sometimes. He still had trouble remembering what she looked like. There weren't any photos of her. He'd printed out her obituary and taped it into his notebook.

He looked at himself in the bathroom mirror of his motel room. _Remove bandages, jewelry, contact lenses, makeup, wigs, and prosthetic devices._ That's what they'd all said. Metal plating shifted under his skin. There was no sleeve, no socket. He didn't know how it worked. He needed both arms. He couldn't afford the risk. "It's highly advanced," he told the woman on the phone. "I can't take it off. I'd break it." She hummed, seemingly understanding, but he could hear her judgement through the receiver. _Any water damage is on you._ He almost laughed. It'd been frozen with him more times than he knew. It'd been in the river twice. This was nothing. "Alright. Thank you." Something curled in his stomach. Was it shame? He couldn't tell. He still had trouble remembering certain feelings. (Guilt wasn't one of them.)

He washed his hair. He didn't do a very good job; it got tangled in the tectonic plates of his fingers. But he eventually sat on the floor of the tub, picking through each knot with a comb, until it was soft against his flesh hand. Then he washed his face, his body, his legs and feet, and eventually his arms. He cut his nails and brushed his teeth. He glanced in the mirror again. With his hair slicked back with water, he almost recognized himself. His eyes were so tired. He took his towel to his head and dried himself. He didn't look in the mirror again.

It was a quick bus ride. He walked the rest of the way. Soon enough he was naked again, washing himself once more. He had scheduled an appointment; he didn't know if he could handle that many eyes on him. On the silver gleam of his arm. On the too-dark bags under his eyes. On the poorly healed scars.

Right foot first. It wasn't cold, he thought, but maybe his perception of that was skewed. He submerged himself in the water and didn't let himself dwell on it. He came up a few seconds after.

"Baruch ata Adonai Eloheinu melech ha olam, asher kidushanu va'mitzvotav v'tzivanu al ha t'vila." 

Again he went down. He wondered, idly, if Becca had done this. Or Evie, or Georgie. If they'd gotten the chance. He pushed the thought aside.

"Baruch ata Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha olam, shehecheianu, v'kiy'manu, v'higianu, la z'man ha zeh."

A third time. Now, when he rose, he whispered to himself;

"Ten ba bayit."

His vision blurred. Something bubbled up in his throat. He stepped from the pool, only vaguely registering what was said to him by the Balanit. He took the towel, murmuring his thanks, and started to dry himself.

_Ani ohvet otcha, akh._

_Ani gam ohev otach, achot._

**Author's Note:**

> translation for the scattered hebrew (which i am by no means fluent in, so please do correct me if it's wrong); "our god, listen, honor", "life, safety, protection", "be brave" then the traditional mikvah blessings (which i found on [ritualwell](https://ritualwell.org/ritual/traditional-mikveh-blessings) and [knoji](https://events1.knoji.com/your-first-visit-to-the-mikvah-what-happens-at-the-jewish-ritual-baths/)), "let me come home", "i love you brother", and "i love you too sister" ! (thanks RoseRose for the help with those last two ^^; )  
if any of them are wrong, or if there's a better, more natural translation or transliteration, _**please** don't be afraid to let me know!_ i'd greatly appreciate the feedback!
> 
> toda raba for reading !! ^^;


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